Day 31—Wednesday, April 9, 2025

Isaiah 61:3

to grant to those who mourn in Zion—

       to give them a garland instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

       the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

       the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

As I’ve grown older, I tend to feel things much deeper than I used to…yes, stronger, more intensely. I remember my mother doing this and wondered at her tears of emotion, especially the happy tears. I have a hard time getting through worship on Sunday mornings without crying over the sermons, the Prayers of the People, or the amazing music. Our services consistently touch my heart and challenge my behaviors.

I cry when I experience beauty now, when my children write me sweet notes, when I gaze into the eyes of my new granddaughter, when I see Jesus in the behavior of compassionate God Alive children, when I feel the love of friends. I feel God’s presence in all these things. I cry also, however, when I’m sad, broken hearted over injustice, grieving, and sometimes even just disappointed. I most always still feel God’s presence in those circumstances probably because of prayer.

I have prayer journals that go back to the 90s. My prayer journals are precious to me because I can go back and see how God has answered my prayers…. not always in my desired time frame or always the way I wanted, but always best. I try to have a time of centering prayer each morning (and fail all too often), but I know it’s important to be present with God. This prayer time has been a life changing practice that truly helps me to feel God’s presence and to listen for his guidance. But there are times when I feel at a loss …

Recently, My best friend from college, Mary Etta, who remains my beloved friend to this day, came home from a hair appointment and found that her husband of 34 years had committed suicide. They had had breakfast together that morning, the beginning of “just an ordinary day.” When she called me, I was shocked! WHY did this happen?  My heart just broke for her, my grieving so intense! Being the “active” person I am, my first thoughts were let me go to Wilson to be with her; I need to make food; I’ve got to call our other close friends; I need to help her with funeral plans, his estate; What else should I do?  What she said to me, however, was, “Ellen, I need your prayers!” Her church family in Wilson was bringing food, helping with the small family funeral service, visiting, consoling.  She needed for me to pray for her future.

She is one of “my people,” one of my closest friends, an ever-present faith partner. What troubled me most though when I got off the phone was that when I sat down to pray, it was too difficult. I tried, but what came out were words that had come to me back in 2022 when a family I love in our church experienced terrible tragedy. I’m not a poet at all, but what seemed to come to me back then and again now was:

Grief lays on me like the snows of a long winter blizzard

Cold, stinging, uninvited, unwelcome

It clouds my vision, distorts my hearing and blocks my senses.

Where are you God in this tragedy.

I can’t see you; I can’t hear you; I can’t feel you!

Are you there?

Where?

I must admit that it scares me not to be able to feel God’s presence.  After sobbing a bit, I found the following passage in Psalms:

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

 where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

 the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—

 he who watches over you will not slumber. -Psalm 121:1-4

There was my answer, our help comes from God and he does not slumber or sleep. I still wrestled with what Mary Etta was experiencing, but instead of action, I needed to lean into this death with her, to just be there, to let her talk, to be with her in God’s presence.

When my faith has faltered over the years, when God has seemed missing in the circumstances of life, it is the leaning into the hardship and tragedy that helps that mourning become a garland, that helps the mourning become the oil of gladness, where I become able once again to see the glory of God. It is in being present, not the activity. The people of Raleigh Court Presbyterian also help, the many people here who love deeply enough to bring God back to me stronger and more clearly than even before. The people of this church community show up, lean in, and become present during the hard times because they love God and they love one another.

Prayer:

Father God, we come to you in praise and gratitude for never failing in your covenant promise to remain with us always, even when we’re inattentive or unable to feel your presence. Thank you for the reminders in your word and the reminders of your faithful disciples that you walk this journey with us through the good times and bad. We thank you that we are part of a community of believers who lean in to one another in times of hardship and uncertainty, willing to reach out and take the hands of those in need to lead them back to you when you can’t be seen, heard, or felt.

In your name we pray,

Amen

-Ellen Austin